Monkey see, monkey do? Or is it the opposite?
When you hear the question “how was the relationship with your father?” a lot of thoughts probably start running through your head. Initially you may go straight to positive, if your dad was an amazing role model and was always there for you, like mine. Some guys have not been as fortunate, which is what has perpetuated the generational trauma that we come in contact with so often.
Ultimately the relationship with your own father influences how you show up as a father. Whether you use the lessons learned for bad or good is all up to you. Imagine 2 brothers, who are now fathers themselves. Now imagine their father was an alcoholic. Came home every night, climbed into a bottle and paid no attention to his kids or wife. Day-to-day, same scenario with little to no interaction and quality time. Now think back to those 2 brothers who are now fathers themselves, one becomes an alcoholic, sabotages a marriage, or maybe even marriages, neglects his kids, and just isn’t the role model his children need. When asked what happened, what made him become an alcoholic, what made him neglect his kids, he answers, “I had no choice, my father was an alcoholic, neglected me, my brother and our mother. I didn’t have a role model.” Now let’s talk about brother number 2. He may pour a drink occasionally with friends in a social setting, but shows up for his kids, loves his wife, coached t-ball, is present in every interaction and is the poster-man for what a good father looks like. When asked what happened, what made him break the generational curse of poor fatherhood, he answers, “I had no choice, my father was an alcoholic, neglected me, my brother and our mother. I didn’t have a role model.”
Granted an extreme example, but I think it really hits home with the fact that we are in control of our own actions. We can break the cycle of generational trauma from father to child if we make the conscious effort to do so. Maybe we are showing up like our fathers and it is ideal. Maybe we are showing up like our fathers and it is less than ideal. Maybe we are learning from what we were shown and are doing the opposite, making sure our kids know they are loved because we were not shown love from a father.
What was the relationship like with your father and how has it impacted your approach in fatherhood? Really give it some thought and reflect on the words you say, the actions you take, etc.
